update: my new manager is someone I slept with years ago … and he doesn’t know we have a child

Welcome to the mid-year “where are you now?” event at Ask a Manager! All this week and next, I’ll be running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose new manager was someone she slept with years ago … and he didn’t know they have a child together? The first update was here, and here’s the latest.

I’m incredibly grateful for the support you and the AAM community gave me at a stressful time, so I thought I’d share a final update.

My daughter changed her mind and has been in contact with Jacob. It’s still a bit awkward between them but they have some hobbies in common, which they’ve bonded over. My daughter also seems very excited to have some siblings who adore their cool new big sister.

I know some people were wondering why my old company reacted the way they did. For reasons I can’t go into, my work gets scrutinised by outside authorities and my manager’s role is primarily a quality control one. Any suggestion that my manager had not checked my work impartially enough due to a personal relationship could have been career-ending for both of us.

Additionally, the work I do is in a very specialist field and there are only a handful of people in the country who do it. Another company in a similar field had initially approached Jacob, who has had an amazing career by the sounds of it, to start a new department at their company doing the same thing. My old company paid a buttload of money to lure him over so that he wouldn’t be in direct competition for clients (and employees).

All of this meant that I couldn’t report to Jacob, there was no other manager I could report to, and the company couldn’t risk him going back to their competitor. Between the two of us, Jacob was the better asset to keep and the worse threat to lose. I’m not excusing the behaviour of my old company, but there was a logic to it. I’m still angry about the way they treated me and how helpless I felt, but that is slowly fading over time.

I had trouble finding a new job. Financially, we were okay so I was being picky (e.g. wanting to stay in my current city). After almost a year out of work, Jacob told me he’d been approached by the first company who still wanted him to start their new department. He was happy at my old company but he offered to take the new role if I wanted to try to get my old job back. I would never ask him to do that, and I also never want to go anywhere near that company again, so I said no.

Jacob turned the other company down but gave them my name. It’s a step up from where I was but they interviewed me and I got the job! I’ve been here about 6 months and it’s enjoyable so far, plus I’ve never procreated with anyone in my chain of command so it seems like a good place to work.

I’ve hired one of my former coworkers, plus two recent graduates from my alma mater who are bright, motivated and quickly getting up to speed. Unlike my old company, we don’t have a lengthy waitlist for our services (yet!) so a few clients have started coming to us instead of them. I am delighted that I am becoming the very threat my old company was trying to avoid when they pushed me out.

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