updates: everyone at my new job loves my high school bully, and more

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Everyone at my new job loves my high school bully

I stuck with the show, and I’m so glad I did. I focused on the present and establishing myself in the community. She was mentioned a couple more times, but I brushed it off. The show brought up some other trauma, but it was easier to talk about and I was able to cope. I formed some great relationships!

I recently did another show and had an absolute blast! We all became incredibly close, and several people said they would love to work with me again. Funny enough, the person who first mentioned my bully is who I became closest to (they were involved in both shows). I I eventually told them about it and they were so kind. Thanks to you and commenters who helped me work through this. Going forward, I feel confident that I can manage my anxiety much better.

Thank you,
A Much Less Troubled Thespian

2. My boss says we can’t call out sick any sooner than 2 hours before our shift

Today I was in a meeting conducted by my manager’s grandboss. A few other colleagues were there, but my manager was not. It was an annual meeting meant to refresh everyone on company standards and procedures. The grandboss went over the policy for calling out sick, (which said nothing about waiting until two hours before one’s shift to do so). I brought up what my manager previously said about not calling out the night before, and the grandboss was completely bemused and said that was not the policy at all, and he would want employees to give more notice, not less. (He also mentioned that people often need to sleep in when they’re sick!) Then he said he’d address the matter with whoever had told people not to call out more than two hours in advance, (and wrote himself a note about it as a reminder).

Suffice to say, I feel satisfied and validated! My manager might figure out it was me who brought this to her grandboss’s attention, but it’s still worth it.

3. How do I motivate myself to work from home?

What started as a low-stakes question turned into a much bigger life change for me. It has been a journey and AAM has been such a helpful resource along the way. Reading the letter I wrote a few years ago makes me want to give past me a hug and tell her it’s going to be okay. I’ve figured out a few things since then:

Four years ago, I was completely burnt out in a job that made me miserable … so I quit. I used my accumulated vacation payout as a cushion to start my own business. Four years later, I’m still at it, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve built a small roster of clients who value my work and enjoy working with me.

One big turning point came from advice in the comments: instead of trying to fight my nature, I started working with my brain and body, not against them. That shift started to make things click. I tried the Pomodoro method and still use it when I need to really focus.

It also became clear that I was dealing with untreated depression and anxiety, which the pandemic only intensified. At the start of Covid, I went through a traumatic move, felt trapped in an unhappy job, was dealing with the pandemic itself, and caring for my elderly, ailing dog (the love of my life), all while navigating a strained personal relationship.

I saw my primary care doctor, got tested for ADHD (negative), started therapy (after a rocky first try), and began SSRIs. I also came out — to myself and to my husband — and realized I’m not straight. That alone lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. We’re still working through what that means for our relationship, but he’s been supportive in ways I never expected and am so grateful for.

We’ve since moved again. The advice to separate work and living space? Absolutely correct. Our last place was sold after one of our elderly landlords passed away, and we ended up in a quirky little ADU with dedicated live/work areas that work really well for us.

As for a morning routine? Not really. Every day looks a little different. The only consistent part is a good cup of coffee. I’ve learned that rigid routines aren’t for me, and I’ve built a business that gives me flexibility. I have office hours I try to stick to, but I give myself some grace. If there’s a morning meeting or deadline, I’m up and ready. But if not, I take my time. I hang out with the dogs, eat a leisurely breakfast, check email, read my favorite local (and sassy) news, check in on AAM, and make a list for the days ahead.

That is kind of a routine, I suppose, it’s just flexible. I keep a master project list and a more focused list of short-term tasks. I’m a pen-and-paper person through and through; digital tools never stuck. I’ve also built a small cohort of fellow business owners. We share ideas, send each other overflow work, and support each other through the ups and downs. This little group is the camaraderie I missed after leaving office life.

I think we can all acknowledge that the beginning of the pandemic was traumatic in ways many of us are still processing. I’m so grateful to the AAM commentariat, and to Alison, for the thoughtful advice, the encouragement, and the occasional nudge I clearly needed.

4. Coworker says she loves shoplifting (first update)

Our young shoplifter friend is moving away back to her hometown — her last day is this weekend — and this morning we had a big three-hour all-staff meeting. At the end of the meeting, she asked if she could make a goodbye speech. She talked for at least five, maybe even ten minutes without pause.

The content of her speech was almost entirely about how bad our boss is. Micromanagement, lack of support, being more concerned with getting rid of our fun decorations and making sure there’s no dust than with serving our high needs customers. She mentioned being called into HR and then reprimanded for not wanting to talk with an HR person that she doesn’t know and who has never done our job about her handling of a traumatic event. (She handled more than one customer overdose in the year or so she worked here.)

No one stopped her. Our boss just kept packing up the meeting supplies. Our boss’s boss just sat there listening. When she finished, many of our coworkers clapped and said thank you.

So farewell to my little anarchist colleague. Please don’t grow up too fast because we need your burn-it-down anarchic energy more than ever.

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