updates: the awkward new employee, the “lady boss,” and more

It’s “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager! Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. How can I help an awkward new employee connect better with coworkers?

My question was about Bill, a socially awkward team member, interacting with more junior members of the team.

Your advice and the advice of the readers was helpful, in that most people were saying “that’s not your job, people are allowed to be weird.” That was liberating to hear, especially from the Bill-types themselves who affirmed the notion.

The update is that, while they are still all far from being friends, everything calmed: Bill got more situated and a smidge more comfortable, work ramped up so there was less time to talk about pop culture he had no idea about, other opportunities for the junior team members came up which made them happier, and I took Alison’s advice and tried to pair Bill up with the different team members on one-on-one projects. This helped because suddenly it wasn’t a Bill vs. three BFFs all on a project who would sneak glances to each other, but rather: Bill with Jane on project A, Bill with Neel on project B, Bill with Charlie on project C. Dividing it up and connecting them through work definitely helped a bit, and this slight improvement was really all I was hoping to get to. Thanks!

2. Employee calls me his “lady boss” (#3 at the link)

I did take the advice you gave and the employee has stopped calling me Lady Boss. I also paid attention to the commentariat — that a reasonable person would pick up on norms in 30 years, and reflected on this employee’s other performance where picking up details and adjusting to different situations is important. He is in a sales role, so that is most of his job. I began to notice a pattern that wasn’t great. He is now on a PIP. I wish I had a better update, but in retrospect, even writing in to ask about him was probably a sign that my gut wasn’t happy with the direction. Thank you for always being a voice of reason!

3. We did a trauma-dumping ice-breaker at a work retreat

I have been on maternity leave so I missed the last team gathering. However, I reached out to some coworkers who were at the last team gathering, and it sounds like we’ve moved away from these types of activities! My hunch is that it’s simply because our company has grown too big for these to be feasible. But I did provide feedback to our CEO and HR director expressing my concerns about these types of activities, and how they made me (and likely others) feel. One commenter correctly ID’d this as the “personal histories” exercise from the “5 Dysfunctions of a Team,” and that is where our leaders found this exercise. As many commenters said, the exercise could have some utility on a very small team with the level of sharing properly explained and demonstrated, but this was not that.

In a related note, I’ve heard that some coworkers have been sharing this SNL skit, and I can see why!

4. How should I decorate my office?

A low-stakes update for a low-stakes question!

The suggestions from the commenters were amazing and I’m delighted to say I now have an office with lego flowers and a few prints that at first glance look normal until you remember where the Overlook Hotel is from… I’ve kept it fairly sparse with just enough to feel personal without being cluttered. My colleagues seem to really enjoy the lego flowers and prints without it being too distracting, so it’s exactly what I wanted!

I really appreciate the advice about keeping it to the amount that would fit in a box as I found out after my letter was published that we’ll be moving buildings in the next year, so that advice was timely!

The only downside is that my wallet and home shelf space are not as pleased about my newfound love of Lego! I hadn’t used Lego since I was a kid and had forgotten just how satisfying it is, so thanks to all of your readers for that!

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