employees are being cruel to a gross coworker

A reader writes:

I have a new staff member I manage, Meredith, who the rest of my team is insulting behind her back.

One staff member, Pam, came to me in private to let me know the others on the team, especially Angela, are being extremely unkind and trash-talking Meredith in private and it is making her uncomfortable. If what Pam is relaying is true, the things they are saying are so mean: that she shouldn’t have been hired because she’s not skilled enough. She’s a “farter” who will fart all over you if you’re near her. She talks too loud and is doing it on purpose to be annoying. She is a “disgusting butt picker” and “scab eater.”

Angela had a history of being mean to others on the staff, especially those she finds annoying, which I have tried to address. This seems like an escalation of the behavior. I plan on having a serious conversation with everyone, but what if there is some truth to what they are saying?

I’ve spent plenty of time around Meredith and she can talk loudly, but it’s definitely not on purpose. I can’t speak to passing gas or butt picking, but I have seen her eat her boogers. She also has a bad habit of talking with her mouth full during lunch.

So what do I do when I sit down with the group and say they can’t talk about their coworkers like that, and they demand I do something about the “disgusting” new hire? Am I supposed to tell a grown woman she shouldn’t be eating her boogers at work?

I resent having this information, but I’m sure it’s no picnic for you either so let’s figure it out.

First and foremost, yes, absolutely make it clear to Angela and others on the team that it’s not acceptable to talk about a colleague this way and it needs to stop immediately. If they have a concern about Meredith that needs to be addressed, they can bring it to you and you can decide whether it’s actionable or not (for example, maybe Meredith does need to be reminded to lower her voice sometimes, but maybe the gas issue is medical and something people are going to need to deal with), but meanwhile they’re expected to treat everyone they work respectfully, both to their faces and when they’re not around. That’s non-negotiable.

And since Angela has a history of this despite being told to knock it off in the past, take a hard look at whether she’s someone you want to keep on your team.

As for Meredith, I don’t think you should be in the business of telling a grown adult not to talk with their mouth full. If she’s in a role that requires a high degree of polish — like entertaining clients or she’s doing it while seated at the reception desk — that would be different and it would be appropriate to do some coaching about manners for that context. But if she’s just kind of coarsely mannered around coworkers, well, the other grown adults in the equation need to be able to accept that the world is full of all kinds, and it’s not something you should need to intervene on.

However, the issue with eating the contents of her nose — ugh, why — is so gross and off-putting, and so very likely to harm her relationships with even otherwise tolerant people, that I do think you need to address that. This is possibly the most I’ve ever struggled with coming up with a script here, but I think I’d say it this way: “This is a little awkward to bring up and I know you might not even realize you’re doing it! But please make a point of using the bathroom for privacy if you need to put your fingers in your nose for any reason. It can bother people to see.” And yes, I am intentionally leaving out the grossest element of this — the eating — on the assumption that if you can get her into the bathroom for the first stage, she won’t be doing the second stage in public either. If that turns out not to be the case, you’ll need to be more direct — “this is still a problem; you cannot do this in view of other people” — but there’s a good enough chance the first approach will deliver the message that you can start there.

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