my boss trusts her interpretation of “non-verbal communication” over people’s direct statements of how they feel

A reader writes:

My generally good manager recently gave me a dressing-down over a statement I made in a meeting. During the ensuing discussion, it came out that she relies on body language and facial expressions to figure out what people are “really thinking.” I knew that she does something like that, because every time she assigns me a task, she will keep explaining why it’s necessary well after I’ve agreed, so now I fake enthusiasm. Similarly, I proactively explain even the tiniest twinge of hesitation I think might have made its way to my facial expression, because she’s going to ask me about it anyway and then refuse to take “no concerns” for an answer.

However, despite me being so overt and explicit, she told me that was how she “knows” (present tense) I was upset about a reorg that happened a few months ago. Problem is: I wasn’t. Reorgs are a part of business, and I stated at the time there were pros and cons. While internally I had some mixed emotions, I wouldn’t call any of them “upset.” Based on some comments from other team members, I am concerned she has been making project assignment decisions based on this “knowledge.”

I am also troubled (which is actually a synonym of upset!) by a manager overly trusting her read of people when that read might be wrong because of cultural, neurodiversity, or simply personality differences. But on the other hand, maybe I am just rationalizing the fact that I am personally frustrated by the situation. Either way, I am willing to expend some capital on this and maybe even die on this hill. How should I approach it?

Yeah, this is a problem! Aside from the obvious problems with your boss thinking you feel something you don’t, it sounds exhausting to have to try to convince her she’s wrong (or to over-perform enthusiasm as you’ve been doing to counter it).

It is human for people to read into someone’s facial expressions; non-verbal communication is a significant part of communication, and we’ve been wired to get cues from people’s faces. And a good manager does need to pay attention to the visual cues people are sending — you can sometimes pick up that someone is upset or skeptical or frustrated from their face even when they’re not saying it with their words. But there’s also such a thing as getting it wrong! And someone who relies this much on non-verbal communication and isn’t willing to be told, “That’s not actually how I feel” is getting communication wrong more broadly. At this point, it sounds like your boss’s belief that she can read your face with perfect accuracy, no matter what you tell her, is actively unuseful and is leading her astray.

Can you go back to her now and say something like, “I’ve been thinking about your comment last week that you rely on body language and facial expressions to figure out what people are really thinking. I’m concerned you’re reading things into my expressions that aren’t there. For example, you seemed sure that I felt X about Y, but I genuinely didn’t — and I’m concerned you’re attributing emotions to me that I don’t feel. So I wanted to ask that you trust that I’m being candid with you when I say I do or don’t feel X, and also that you ask me directly when you’re interpreting my face or body language a certain way. It’s really important to me that we’re on the same page and that you’re not mistakenly believing I feel something I don’t.”

Bonus points if you also say, “I worry that this could be especially hard for people when neurodiversity, culture differences, or simply personality differences are in play.”

Also, the next time you’re in one of those situations where she’s over-explaining because she thinks you disagree when you don’t (or similar), try speaking up about what’s happening! You can say, “I might be misinterpreting, but I’m getting the sense you think I disagree so I just want to clear that up if so. I don’t have any concerns about this and I’m happy to proceed the way you’ve described.”

All that said: There’s value in working on having a poker face in situations where it’s not to your advantage to broadcast what you’re really thinking, so it’s worth asking whether your emotions are more visible than you want them to be in the moment. Some people have really expressive faces and don’t always realize that they’re transmitting skepticism/concern/irritation to a whole meeting, or to their boss. It’s possible that your boss is responding to actual expressions you’re making without thinking about it. She still shouldn’t be insisting that she knows better than you do how you really feel! But on your end, make sure you’re minimizing how much you’re giving her to work with in that regard.

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