I feel guilty about retiring at such a hard moment for my colleagues

A reader writes:

I’ve been working (happily, proudly, with a sense of mission and purpose) in (U.S.) public higher education administration for more than 30 years. I’ve done great work (if I may say so), and I’m most proud of the work I’ve done for the generation of administrators I’ve mentored over the years. I’ve worked hard with several deans to transform and professionalize our work, moving it from the janky, ad hoc, “faculty can do everything with the old-college-try” organization it was to one that incorporates consistent and transparent policy making and application into ethical and professional practice, and that demonstrates respect for non-faculty professionals who are essential to the quality of the organization and service to our students. Yay!

But: 30 years is a long time, my already-retired partner is aging and ill, and I want to hang out with him for as long as we have. A year ago, we decided it was time for me to retire, and last summer I started coordinating with the dean and my close colleagues for my transition to retirement. I am incredibly lucky to have a work environment where we can plan a pathway that includes reflection on what I do, what needs to be done in the future (and what doesn’t), how it might be done differently, who can do it, and what the organization needs in the future. I will not be replaced, but my space will be taken up in a way that moves the university forward. This is a gift, really.

And I would feel joyful about this, but the last six months of relentless assaults on truth, democracy, liberty, and systems essential to that (free speech, public education, etc.) have instilled in me so much fear for the future. Not just about whether the pension plan is really as stable as it has been for the last 80 years, but about whether I’m abandoning ship at the Worst Time Ever. My colleagues joke about my getting out of the business at the right time, how I won’t have to face what will come beyond the loss of research funding, ideological dictates about DEI, or limits on academic topics out of favor with the current regime, and whether international students should be admitted. Every day as I pack up my boxes and reassign tasks, there’s a new worry — something new and awful sounding all of the alarms historians about authoritarians exerting control of education as a way to control the people.

So I feel like a rat accused of deserting a sinking ship, instead of feeling joyful at the end of a long and happy career doing work that matters (to me, if not to others). I know I’m not leaving to avoid the horrors of the current regime; I’ve worked enough, I’m tired, it’s time to enjoy my time with my beloved. There’s camping and gardening and dog training, as well as protesting and ragin’ granny work to do.

I’m not running away. I deserve to retire, and know I shouldn’t give in to the temptation to postpone retirement.

How do people who have had long and meaningful careers, grapple with the temptation to look back and say that no, we won’t go after all, because we still carry our worry about the places we’re leaving? Do you have any advice or resources to offer to folks who are moving on to the next thing?

You have put in your time, and now you get to move on to the next stage of your life.

It’s not your fault that the timing means that you’re getting out at a particularly hard moment. You are not deserting people, or leaving them to suffer something you don’t feel like dealing with, or not meeting your obligations. You are just retiring at a point that makes sense for you.

Although frankly, if you were leaving simply because you didn’t feel like dealing with what’s happening, that would be okay too! No individual person is required to suffer in a particular way in order to prove their merit or commitment. You’re allowed to say, “This isn’t how I want to spend my time and energy right now; I want to do X instead.”

You have put in what sounds like 30+ excellent years and done thoughtful, conscientious work during that time. You are not required to stay and stay and stay. There are others to do the work, and they will do it. Some of them will be doing it with things they learned from you, and on a foundation you built, and that is a lasting contribution that will continue on when you’re no longer there.

You are also making room for people with new perspectives and ways of doing things to come in and plan and strategize with fresh eyes. You are creating space for them to take what you built and build something themselves.

Live your life and find joy with your partner and garden and dog, and thank you for all you did in the last few decades.

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