taking a job where my ex works, should I stay up-to-date during maternity leave, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Taking a job at a large company where my ex works

I’m in the final stages of interviews for a position I am excited about, and I hope to receive an offer. My ex-partner works at this company. We haven’t spoken since the break-up, which was more than three years ago. I initiated our break-up after eight fairly serious months of dating, but did it as kindly as I could — and after many conversations and trying many strategies to see if the relationship could work — and my ex took it graciously, although they were incredibly sad.

Am I supposed to disclose this to anyone at the company? I don’t feel like I need to, since the break-up was not dramatic in any way (just heartbreaking), and we didn’t date for that long in the grand scheme of things. Raising the topic would feel like I would be making it more of a big deal than it is. Moreover, it’s a large organization and my ex’s team is in no way connected to the team I would be joining. It’s possible it would take us weeks or months to even bump into each other. But I want to check that my instinct is correct.

Second, is it wise to tell my ex? Either shortly after I accept an offer, if an offer were to come; shortly before I start, or after I start? The anxious, spiralling part of me wonders if they would object to my joining the company and make it into a problem, even though I don’t think that’s in their character. They are fairly senior in the organization, but an entirely separate division than the one I hope to join.

Since you wouldn’t be working together and it’s a large company, you don’t need to disclose it during the hiring process. It doesn’t sound like it would present any kind of conflict of interest or other issue.

The question about telling your ex is trickier. Ideally I think you’d tell them after you accepted the offer but before your first day, just to avoid any surprise run-ins when you start. But if you want to be absolutely safe (in terms of ensuring they won’t raise objections to your hiring before you’ve started), you could wait until after you’ve already started work and send them a short note at that point. Or you could not raise it at all and just figure that you’ll deal with it at whatever point you do encounter each other. But I think most people would prefer a brief, polite heads-up (a matter-of-fact one, not one that assumes they’ll find the news troubling) before they randomly spot you in the cafeteria one day.

Since your ex doesn’t sound prone to drama, the break-up sounds respectful on both sides, and this was all three years ago, hopefully this won’t be a big issue.

2. Can I give feedback to students who ask me for recommendations?

I’m a college professor who frequently is asked by students to write them letters of recommendation for various things. Generally speaking, I’m happy to do this. However, there’s a trend of some students who didn’t build a particularly strong relationship with me in class (but were fine students overall) who reach out to me continually to presumably maintain the relationship, and then to ask me for a letter. The problem is these follow-up emails (letting me know what they’re doing, asking me vaguely how I’m doing) often ring false, and border on obsequious or sycophantic. They’ll talk about how much they loved my class but not mention anything specific, or ask for book recommendations and then never mention the books again, or tell me over and over again how my class changed their life (when let’s be real, just isn’t the case).

So far, these have all been students I’m basically happy to write a letter for. But I feel like agreeing to write the letter without some other professional feedback sends them the signal that they’re doing this right, when what I want to tell them is to just be more straightforward and honest. Maybe it’s not ideal that you didn’t build a stronger relationship with me previously such that asking for a letter would feel natural, but I get that! I know sometimes we need letters from people we didn’t expect. But then it’s okay to just say, “I appreciated your class and would like to ask for a recommendation.” Fawning hollowly just makes me feel gross or like a joke and makes them seem dishonest. Is there any feedback I could give them about this, or should I just let it slide?

Can you address it toward the end of the semester with your classes as a whole? For example, you could say that you love to stay in touch with students and would enjoy hearing updates from them in the future, but that doing that is absolutely not a prerequisite to get a letter of recommendation from you, and if they need a letter and think you’re well-positioned to provide one, they can simply ask rather than feeling they need to do any sort of performative dance for you first.

I think that approach is better than trying to address it with individual students after the fact (partly to avoid raising it with someone who truly was trying to connect but just sounding a little stilted about it).

3. Should I stay up-to-date during my maternity leave?

I’m on month two of maternity leave, scheduled to go back just after July 4th. I love my job and I cannot wait to return. I’ve been in touch with my colleagues via text message, and I go through my work email daily to clean out trash and forward time-sensitive items to folks who can handle them while I’m on leave (and to lurk on what’s happening). My question is about how much preparation/upkeep I should do before I rejoin my team.

I’m in a director-level SME-like position, so while I’ve been on leave my colleagues have covered my area but only at a high level. I am torn because I understand that parental leave is a benefit I am entitled to in my state and at my organization, and it’s important to take this time to recover and bond with my child. At the same time, I will definitely need to jump back in with both feet to make up for the time I’ve been out.

Should I be working to stay up-to-date on my area, like reading new regulations so I’m already up to speed when I go back? Or does that invalidate the concept of parental leave and set a bad precedent for my colleagues who take leave in the future? In other words, should I work now to make it easier to start back later or should I shut up and savor doing nothing even thought it will be a scramble when leave ends? Does it depend on how high up in the organization you are?

Ideally your leave should be real leave — meaning you aren’t doing any work. You shouldn’t need to work to stay up-to-date while you’re out; you can do that when you get back.

That said, some people feel much less stressed if they don’t disconnect completely, and you sound like you might be one of them. Still, I think you should challenge yourself to stay out of your work email for a week (or better yet, two weeks) and see if you can find the joy in disconnecting completely. If you can’t, you can’t … but we get so few opportunities in our work lives to disconnect for months at a time that I hate to see you not make use of this one.

4. HR won’t act on workplace anti-semitism

I’m writing on behalf of a friend who is experiencing a difficult situation at work and could use some advice. She is Jewish and lives in a very left-leaning city in the U.S. Recently, she’s been facing anti-semitism at her workplace. For example, a swastika was placed in the lobby of her office building, and no one took action. Shortly after, graffiti saying “kill all Zionists” appeared near her office, again with no response from management. She’s feeling increasingly isolated and unsafe, to the point where she has stopped wearing her chai necklace and has started carrying pepper spray for protection.

Her job does not allow for remote work. She requested a transfer to another office location. HR denied the request, explaining that antisemitism is widespread throughout the city and that a transfer wouldn’t resolve the issue.

Would you consider this a toxic or hostile work environment? Should HR be required to intervene in situations like this? If so, could you suggest how she might approach HR or management to advocate for herself? We’d appreciate any guidance that you could offer.

This is awful.

Yes, her employer has a legal obligation to ensure her workplace is free of religiously-based harassment, which this certainly is. Legally her employer is obligated to investigate and take steps to ensure it doesn’t continue. And yes, if they don’t, this qualifies as “hostile workplace,” which is harassing conduct that is (a) based on a person’s race, religion, sex, disability, or other protected class and (b) “severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive.”

If she wants to pursue it, the next step would be for her to email HR with the words “official complaint of religious harassment” in the subject line and say that she’s requesting they meet their obligations under Tittle IV of the Civil Rights Act and address the religious harassment she’s been facing. She could also talk with a lawyer about how to proceed (which doesn’t mean bringing legal action, necessarily; lawyers can advise on next steps from behind the scenes).

5. Putting upcoming time off in your email signature

With summer here, I’m curious what your take is on putting upcoming time off in email signatures. A few people on my team have started doing this (for example, “Upcoming: June 16-20 OOO”). We have very externally-facing roles communicating with a small group of stakeholders on a semi-regular basis throughout the summer. I see some value in letting those folks know when I won’t be available, do they really need to know that I’ll be out, if I have a colleague who can be responsive to them while I’m out? Their needs/questions aren’t likely to be pre-planned, so it doesn’t feel like them knowing I’ll be out will encourage them to ask questions earlier. Also, at the end of the summer, we’re rated on how well we support these stakeholders. Does having upcoming OOOs in our emails run the risk that we’ll be seen as unavailable? The large majority of stakeholders don’t reach out proactively over the summer — it’s mostly me checking in with them — so the chances of them reaching out and getting my regular away message are pretty slim.

The more I write, the more I feel like I’m not a fan of the practice for myself, but I’m still curious for your thoughts!

It probably doesn’t matter very much either way. If anything, it sounds like it might be overkill since these folks aren’t reaching out to you very often and if they do, you have someone lined up to respond to them. But there’s also no harm in including it, and I doubt that highlighting that you take an occasional vacation will make them see you as unavailable, particularly since they’re still able to get their needs met by someone else while you’re away.

It might be interesting to ask the people in your office who are adding it to their signatures what made them start (who knows, maybe something happened that spurred it), but I wouldn’t be surprised if one person did it randomly and other people just followed suit.

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