my office is infested with mice, my coworker won’t stop contacting me while I’m on maternity leave, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My office is infested with mice, and no one will do anything

There is an active mouse issue at my work, and I am having trouble finding a way to tell my boss how done I am with this situation.

About eight months ago, our building was taken over by new management. My work space is located in the basement and, with seasons changing, mice have moved in. This was not an issue with the previous bulding management company. They have installed traps, but the problem has gotten worse, not better. At this point there have been mice running across my desk while I am working, right next to my feet, and in sight of clients.

I have escalated this to my boss, who is the end of the line unless I want to escalate to the CEO of an international company. (I am in a weird situation where I should be lower on the ladder, but two layers of middle management were let go and not replaced.) His solution was to keep emailing every instance to the management company in the hopes that the squeaky wheel get the grease.

How do I communicate to him that I am truly at my limit, as it seems what I am currently doing isn’t clear enough? Am I completely off the mark on how much this is bothering me? My coworkers don’t seem to be as bothered.

I work from home one day a week, and there is nothing but office politics that mean I have to work from the office. I have a work laptop and if they insist I continue to work from the office, our company is spread over four floors.

I am not willing to leave the job over this or risk being let go, this job has been great for me up until now.

You’re not off the mark in how bothered you are by this! You have mice running over your desk and by your feet! You are not overreacting; it’s ridiculous that it isn’t being dealt with more effectively.

Can you say this to your boss: “The mice problem is getting worse, not better. They are running around by my feet and over my desk while I’m working, and clients have seen them. At this point, it doesn’t feel tenable to continue working from this desk, at least not until they’ve resolved it. I need to find another space in the building to work from — what’s the fastest way to do that?” In other words, give him a different problem to solve; it’s no longer the mice, it’s helping you find a different desk. Alternately, if there’s an obvious place for you to move, replace that last sentence with, “My plan is to start working from room 102 since it’s been empty for a while and seems to be mouse-free, but I’m of course happy to move back once the mice are gone if you want me to.”

2. My coworker won’t stop contacting me while I’m on maternity leave

The person covering for me while I’m on maternity leave has been contacting me with questions almost weekly and won’t accept my response to connect with literally anyone else who is in a position to answer these questions. I’m at a loss for what to do, and I feel that this has somewhat sullied my maternity leave. I’ve alerted my boss and am waiting to see what (if anything) they’ll do to rectify the situation. I honestly don’t know what to do otherwise. I’m really disappointed as I felt that this job was a pretty supportive and caring community.

Are you on FMLA? Is so, what this person is doing is what’s known legally as FLMA interference; it’s illegal, and it can get your company in trouble. (It basically means your employer, which includes your coworkers, needs to respect your leave and not keep pestering you. The law does allow very minor, infrequent questions like “what’s the password to the X file?” but it can’t be a frequent thing.)

If your boss hasn’t handled this in the next few days, contact them again and say, “I think we’re in FMLA interference territory, so I’m formally requesting that the company put a stop to this.”

Meanwhile — and whether or not FMLA isn’t in play — you should message your coworker one final time and say, “I am on leave and not available for any additional questions until (date) so I won’t be able to respond to anything further” and then block her number and her email for the remainder of your leave so you don’t continue to feel harangued. You’re not obligated to engage with her just because she’s contacting you, and you’re well within your rights to simply block her from reaching you, particularly once you’ve told her you won’t be available further and have looped in your boss about what’s going on.

3. What does “wow, okay” convey in an email to your boss?

The other day, I sent an email to my newest manager with a simple question that only needed a brief reply. However, she sent back an extremely long email that took quite a while to read.

I thought we had a pretty good relationship but when I replied “wow, okay” she got upset and stated that I was unprofessional and rude.

Many times your advice includes saying “wow” when talking to people. What do you think that her interpretation of “wow, okay” means? In reality it is used to express surprise, amazement, or admiration but clearly the manager took it the opposite way.

I think it’s Carolyn Hax more than me who has suggested “wow” — but as a response to people saying something inappropriate, which doesn’t sound like your intent. In a quick search of my own responses, I’ve mostly suggesting it in the context of “wow, great job” (and similar) or with a similar Hax-ish implication of “wow, what an inappropriate question/comment.”

If I sent someone someone I managed a lengthy email and they replied “wow, okay,” I’d likely read that as conveying, at a minimum, “something is weird about what you wrote to me” … and likely kind of rude! The exception is if the context made it clear that they meant it in the “amazement/admiration” category — like if my email was telling them they would be in charge of escorting Pedro Pascal around at an upcoming gala or something. But if you say “wow, okay” in response to your boss taking the time to write out lengthy instructions or an explanation or just providing more info than you needed/wanted … yeah, in a lot of contexts that’s going to read as dismissive or rude.

4. Should I ask to be reassigned to a different boss?

I have had ongoing issues with a manager:
1) who screamed at me in public for not working eight-hour days while I was on intermittent FMLA during treatment for cancer,
2) who I did not tell about said cancer because she is known to proselytize to her reports when they are in crisis,
3) who promised me I’d get assistance since last November only to reassign the help we hired to herself.

HR is aware of the issues and have indicated to me that she is struggling and underqualified for the role.

She was promoted when I pioneered a new revenue stream for the company a few years ago, but has been unwilling to get the same credentials I have for the role. I feel like she has been taking it out on me ever since, and I am exhausted by navigating her drama.

Given that we are a small company and I would still have to see her every day, is it even worth considering asking for reassignment to a different manager? (The only likely candidate would be her boss.) Or should I focus on finding a new job? Her attacks are starting to feel extremely personal, especially since she’s recently been weaponizing my requests for guidance to be about my deficiencies rather than how we can work together for an outcome that suits us all.

There’s a huge difference between having someone like this as your boss and just having to see them every day! If being moved to a different manager is a possibility, you absolutely should ask for it — and you might be able to use that FMLA interference or retaliation (point #1 in your list) as leverage to get it, because that’s a legal liability for your employer.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also be looking for another job — maybe you should (it depends on how happy you are with your job and your company otherwise) — but just the fact that you’d still have to see her every day shouldn’t keep you from trying for a different manager.

5. How do I talk about my newly transitioned partner at work?

My partner of 7+ years has recently begun a gender transition and is now going by a different name and pronouns. I work in a pretty small office environment (~15 people) and my coworkers have all met my partner pre-transition and under [deadname] and they will frequently ask after my partner.

So far I have been avoiding telling my coworkers that she’s using a different name / pronouns and answering questions like “oh yeah, they’re doing great.” But I am getting tired of artfully dodging and would love to use her desired name and pronouns.

Additionally, we frequently have work events where people bring their partners (think customer entertainment) and I would like to bring her along without her having to pretend to be someone she isn’t.

What’s a good way to bring this up in a work setting? My coworkers fall pretty evenly along political leanings and reactions will be mixed but likely not downright hostile.

Be matter-of-fact about it, just like you would if she had changed her name for any other reason. “Actually, she’s going by Jane now, and using she/her. She’s doing great — we’re planning a trip to Greece in the fall.”

If you’re bringing her up yourself and not in response to someone asking you about her, you could refer to her as, “Jane — same spouse you’ve heard me talk about before, just going by Jane and she now.”

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