should I apologize for my coworker’s behavior at a conference, professional acquaintance messaged me on a dating app, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager. It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Should I apologize for my coworker’s behavior at a conference? Recently, I attended an industry conference hosted by an important client. People in my field from across the country attended for purposes of brainstorming and networking. I attended with a senior colleague from my company, […]

Mar 17, 2025 - 05:48

should I apologize for my coworker’s behavior at a conference, professional acquaintance messaged me on a dating app, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I apologize for my coworker’s behavior at a conference?

Recently, I attended an industry conference hosted by an important client. People in my field from across the country attended for purposes of brainstorming and networking. I attended with a senior colleague from my company, Jane, who is one of my mentors and has a significant influence on my career here.
On the last night of the conference, after the official events were over, many of the attendees and client representatives met at the hotel bar. A smaller group of us then proceeded to a local bar, and everyone was drinking throughout the night. By the time we reached the final bar, Jane was pretty drunk and engaged in some obnoxious behavior toward another attendee. For some reason Jane repeatedly commented on the other attendee’s appearance, kept implying she’d had cosmetic surgery, and then teased her when she denied it. The comments were completely inappropriate. If Jane had been male, the comments would have been downright creepy and harassing. It was clear that the other attendee was very annoyed and offended. I was embarrassed and tried to acknowledge the incident and apologize to the other attendee as we were leaving the bar.
I’m pretty sure Jane has no recollection of her behavior (she was still drunk the next morning when we flew back) and I have not addressed it with her directly. I don’t believe anyone from the client is aware of her behavior either, and there’s little chance that I’ll ever directly interact with the offended attendee. However, I’m still bothered by what happened and concerned it might affect my professional reputation. The client is circulating all attendees’ contact information and I’m torn on whether to contact the other attendee. Was my acknowledgement and apology in the moment sufficient and I should let sleeping dogs lie, or would it be appropriate to reach out to this other attendee and offer a more substantial apology?

No, leave it alone. You already apologized once which made it clear you didn’t condone Jane’s behavior, and so it’s unlikely to affect your reputation. Emailing the other attendee to apologize again would be overkill.

2. A professional acquaintance messaged me on a dating app and his profile is gross

My field is relatively small, and there is a lot of personal/professional overlap because so many of us went to college and/or worked together at some point in our careers. Due to the nature of my job, many people in my field who work in my region know who I am and communicate with me professionally.
I am also a woman in my late 40s who, after a long period of being happily single, recently created a dating app profile. I received a message on the dating app from a man who stated that he knows me professionally and that we are connected on social media. I don’t know him on a personal level, but we have met in passing and we have a number of mutual friends and acquaintances. I also know I’m not interested in dating him, but since I went to peruse his profile before declining the request to chat.
His profile was WILD. There were references to his proficiency at oral sex. He mentioned warming up with Tai Chi before pleasuring his lady. He referred to himself as a God looking for a Goddess. Granted, I’ve only been on this app for a month, but I had never seen anything this blatantly sexual even from the scads of young 20-somethings on their sustained cougar hunts.
I understand the potential for exposing myself to this kind of material on a dating app. Had this been some random man I would have just laughed, deleted, and moved on with my life. But this man knows me professionally and took the time to POINT OUT that he knows me professionally, all the while knowing what I was going to see if I clicked on his profile. That feels intentionally inappropriate to me and I am completely icked out by it.
I’m not even sure what my question is, aside from where do I go from here? I immediately declined the connection on the app, but my instinct is to disconnect with him on socials as well. Is that an overreaction? I know this doesn’t equate to sexual harassment, but I’m utterly creeped out by him now! How do I handle any kind of professional communication in the future? What if I run into him at a conference? If nothing else, just tell me that I’m not the crazy one for thinking he was out of bounds here.

You are not the crazy one. This man messaged a professional acquaintance knowing she would read about his tai chi enhanced oral sex hobby. If you’re going to have a dating app profile that’s so overtly sexual … don’t message professional acquaintances from it. If you must message a professional acquaintance from it, maybe clean it up first.

I don’t think it’s an overreaction to disconnect from him on social media. He grossed you out, and you want to minimize further contact with him.

If you need to communicate with him for work in the future, being scrupulously professional is the way to go, and hopefully he’ll pick up on those cues and follow your lead.

3. Asking my boss for a letter to a country that he hates

I happen to be in a profession that is globally in demand, and for a wide variety of personal, professional, and political reasons and because *gestures at everything*, I am considering emmigrating to a Commonwealth country. The emmigration process itself, however, is not what gives me pause.
In the later stages of the process, I would be required to get letters from past and current supervisors documenting that I meet certain professional experience requirements. The problem: my boss has called the country I am most seriously considering a “communist nation” and a “failed socialist state” multiple times, in meetings, no less. Alison, it’s Canada! WTF!
I am concerned that I can’t rely on him for the aforementioned letter. I am thinking that, if I get to that stage, I should go to his boss (my department head) instead and leave my boss off of the immigration piece of things. Am I just being unreasonably cautious or does going around my boss sound justified? I could use a gut check here.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonably cautious. It’s possible that your boss would be perfectly happy to write you the letter without his opinions of Canada (!) interfering with what he writes — in fact, that’s probably likely (since disliking a country is very different than trying to sabotage someone’s chances of moving there) — but with something so high-stakes, I can see why you’re concerned. If your boss’s boss knows you well enough to write the letter, there’s no reason you can’t approach him about it.

Obviously there are all the normal cautions about letting your employer know you’re actively making plans to leave your job, but if your work is in demand, that may be much less of a consideration (and it sounds like the letter is required regardless).

4. Is this employer BS’ing me about a salary transparency law?

I was recently offered a job from a NGO based in Colorado. The posted salary range was between $70-80K. The range was below what I was seeking, but the job could be a great fit. At offer, they offered me the high end of the range — $80K. Great!
But, when sending my offer, they also sent the official job description, which showed a salary range for the role that was far larger, between $60-105K. I was bummed out — even though they gave me a number at the top of their posted range, it was far lower than the top of their actual range, and with my experience, far lower than where I would theoretically sit within their full range.
When I attempted to negotiate, they told me due to pay transparency laws, they were unable to do so. Is this accurate? Due to the law in Colorado, are they really unable to negotiate when their stated range in the job description is different from the (more narrow) range they posted publicly?

The Colorado law does say that an employer may ultimately pay more or less than their posted range, as long as when they posted the range, that was what they genuinely believed they would be willing to pay for the job. That said, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if their lawyers have told them they need to stick to their advertised ranges so there’s no room for challenging that.

Possibly more important, though, the larger range you saw in the job description might refer to the salary band for the role itself, while what you saw in the ad might be for new hires. It’s not uncommon for a salary band to go higher than what they’ll start people at (meaning that you can get raises that move you above the range they posted, but they won’t start you above the posted amount).

5. What’s the deal with skip-level meetings with my boss’s boss?

I am scheduled for a skip-a-level meeting with my manager’s manager. What are these for and what do I do at them? Are they useful to me and how do I utilize them?

Yes, they can be very useful! They tend to be general check-ins — a chance for your boss’s boss to hear how things are going from your perspective, spot problems they otherwise might not know about, and offer a chance for you to ask questions, inquire about upcoming strategy, or raise issues about your manager. It’s also an opportunity for you to get to know each other better, which can be helpful if you ever want to, for example, apply for a promotion.

Typically you don’t need to go in with any particular agenda — your boss’s boss will likely drive the meeting — but it’s smart to think ahead of time about whether you do have questions you want to ask or things you want to raise, as well as be prepared to answer, “So, how are things going?”