is it bad for managers to sound frustrated?

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I’m wondering whether a good boss should ever show impatience.

One of my employees, Jane, does a good job. I’ve given her a lot of (well-deserved) praise in public and private, and she’s said she’s happy in her work. However, she made a serious error the other day and when I brought it up with her, she shrugged and said it couldn’t be helped. I confess that my tone got impatient and I said something like, “No, we need to fix this because otherwise X.” I wasn’t shouting or otherwise being a jerk, but I definitely sounded impatient.

I could see she was surprised, probably because I am usually cheerful and mellow. We worked together in the moment and found a solution. But later that same day, I noticed she was teary at her desk and I asked what was wrong. She could only shake her head and so I said, “Okay, I’ll leave you alone but let me know if you want to take a break or something.”

Today I was meeting with another manager and she said, “I want to tell you something.” Evidently she too noticed that Jane was not okay and asked what was wrong. Jane answered that I’d been disrespectful to her, and that she needed to be respected at work or else she’d quit.

The other manager was really good about bringing it up with me, phrasing it in terms of, “I know you weren’t horrible to her and she was being oversensitive, I am just letting you know. Maybe just say it more gently next time.” I was taken aback because it never even occurred to me that I had upset her!

I found myself thinking that as I was going through my career, I have had a lot of harsh bosses who would shout and make demeaning comments. I didn’t think that saying something impatiently would even register with someone. Am I so inured now that I’m inadvertently perpetuating some of these negative patterns? The fact is, I’m responsible for the department’s work so if I point out a serious mistake, that needs to be taken seriously, not shrugged off. However, this has made me really question myself. Am I often upsetting people without even realizing it? Should I be more careful about sounding impatient or brusque while I am in this role?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.