update: how can I stop being frustrated with a coworker who’s making my job harder?

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who asked how to stop being frustrated with a coworker who was making their job harder? Here’s the update.

First, yes, the reporting structure is weird. It does quickly merge above me and Petunia, but yes, it does create problems.

Now the update: when my manager first spoke with me, I told her that frustration with Petunia was causing my communication issues, and she brushed it off. I think she might have thought I was being defensive or not taking accountability. This is why I wrote to Alison.

But my manager did quickly set up a three-way meeting with Sam, Petunia’s manager. I came to the meeting with a detailed list of the issues I had encountered with Petunia, organized into categories and with specific examples listed. Everyone took it very seriously from there. Sam set up discreet meetings with other people Petunia had worked closely with and confirmed my challenges were not unique to me. Then, Sam had a serious conversation with Petunia and the long and short of it is that Petunia decided to take an extended leave to sort out her personal issues. Petunia’s role has been filled by someone able to focus on it, and we’re doing great.

Looking back, I think the problem was similar to the advice you give to managers frequently – I was soft pedaling feedback about Petunia to Sam, and he didn’t realize how serious it was. For example, Sam would talk to me about advancement opportunities for Petunia and I’d say something like, “Um not quite sure she’s ready yet … she might need to get better at handling clients” and Sam would respond, “Oh yes! She just needs to step it up and get a big llama feeding win” and I’d kind of nod uncomfortably and say, “Ummm yeah I guess.” The other issue was that I was trying to be kind by giving Petunia space to deal with her personal issues, but, since the frustration was seeping out, it wasn’t kind – being transparent would have been the better option. Ultimately, I’m grateful I got the feedback because I feel way happier now that it’s sorted out (and hopefully Petunia does too).

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