updates: team member won’t stop talking about their Keto diet, the cheating coworker, and more

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My team member won’t stop talking about their Keto diet

The advice definitely helped. If nothing else, it validated that this kind of behavior can be disruptive in the workplace. What ended up happening is that shortly after the column, we had some formal complaints from new employees who were part of an onboarding cohort, led by our Keto nut, and they said they were uncomfortable with some of the personal commentary given during their sessions. This was perfect stepping stone for the direct supervisor of the person to step in and have a conversation.

It was shared with them that their personal life choices and lifestyle are not part of what they should be sharing with people at work. If someone expresses interest in talking to them about it, they need to leave the office and have that discussion during a lunch or break. The direct supervisor said the comments could be taken the wrong way and seem judgmental about countering viewpoints and to just refrain from talking about it at work.

Since the conversation, it has improved significantly. There are still a few side comments here and there about their choices and no longer eating sugar, etc. when office treats are brought in, but it is MUCH improved. The conversation was a tough one, because it is hard to tell someone not to be passionate about things they enjoy – however, bringing it back to “how is this relevant to your work?” was the best way to hammer that message home. The supervisor also joined the next few onboarding sessions to listen in and ensure that the behavior improved.

2. My new coworker seems to be asking us if he should cheat on his wife

Five years ago, just before the pandemic started, you answered my question about how to handle a new coworker who was just absolutely oozing red flags in his first week.

As I’m sure surprises no one, Tulio turned out to be an absolute trainwreck. Fortunately I never did have to hear about his wife again and as far as i know, they stayed (begrudingly?) married. But he was SO awful at his job that would-be affair wound up being a drop of tea in the teapot.

For the sake of anonymity, let’s say we’re all teapot salespeople, a combo of inside and outside sales. He was hired because he purported to be an expert in how to mix milk in tea (actually fairly analogous to what we actually do), claiming he had taught classes on it at a university, and claimed he had all these special certifications in tea mixing. We already had a tea mixing expert in our group, but having another person would be even better. If it had been true.

In reality, he had no idea what he was talking about when it came to tea mixing. We all (even the non-experts with more general knowledge like me) regularly corrected him during customer calls or had to backtrack or clean up after him. He never answered (or read) his emails, he regularly ignored customers he didn’t view as “high value” (lower sales) and even five years on was asking incredibly basic questions akin to “can teapots have different designs on them?” When we had our monthly sales meetings, he made shit up on the spot and our boss was regularly correcting him. Oftentimes he wouldn’t even know we had gotten orders in even though he was copied on everything.

It was incredibly frustrating to watch this man stumble for five years with no consequences. My team was at the end of our rope dealing with his incompetence. We couldn’t understand why he was still here.

And then, at the end of March, he was unceremoniously let go and we were notified in an all-hands meeting. They restructured his role such that, had he been doing anything at all, he would have been fine. But since he wasn’t, they fired him. Everyone else in that role was safe, and actually are excited about the role changes. It also meant my job is changing a bit, but I’m looking forward to it.

I do think there were things going on in the background that we couldn’t see. About a year ago, we took my boss aside at one point to tell her how much we hated working with him and she found out that every other team also couldn’t stand him after asking around. I think she might have started then, but I also I think my grandboss had tied our boss’s hands in a way we couldn’t see. But I think it did reach a point where the entirety of the sales team (about 15-20 people) got so fed up that leadership finally actually looked at stuff and realized how screwed up it all was.

So, long story short, he’s FINALLY gone. Took WAY too damn long. But he’s gone, my job is easier, and I don’t have to regularly clean up stupid messes he made and cover for him with customers. Maybe not the most satisfying update but I cannot overstate how much of a relief him being gone is.

3. I desperately want to change jobs but I’m five months pregnant (#4 at the link)

Thank you so much for giving me the confidence to search for a new job! I was feeling very vulnerable and your encouragement was exactly what I needed. You were right, job searching made me feel like I had more control of the situation, and it takes a while.

Unfortunately, the stress at work started to impact my pregnancy. I was having regular panic attacks and my blood pressure was high. My doctor was getting concerned. I have never left a job without another one lined up, and I was so worried about a gap in my resume, but it was starting to impact my baby, so I resigned. I felt like such a failure, but I thought of the kind Ask a Manager community, and thought, “If this were one of them, I would tell them that their health comes first and no job is worth your health or the health of your child. You are not a failure. You are taking charge of the situation.”

I am incredibly lucky that my wonderful, loving, supportive husband was able to work several overtime shifts to make sure we were in a reasonable place financially, and I continued to apply and interview. Thanks to your advice, I felt confident heading into interviews, even though I was in my third trimester and very large. At 37 weeks pregnant, I interviewed for a job in a snowstorm wearing my husband’s shoes. I thought it went well, but I was unable to send a thank-you note because I went into labor two days later. I never heard back from them.

I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy at 37 weeks, and everything else melted away. I continued to job hunt whenever I could but didn’t have much luck. About a month and a half later, a former manager (from the job I was laid off from) reached out. She had moved on to a new company and was hiring and wanted to bring me on board if I was still looking. I went back to work two and a half months postpartum. They let me start part-time and work from home to make the transition easier. This place isn’t perfect, but I have a good manager, I make a decent living, and I never think about work after I leave for the day. I feel incredibly grateful for my beautiful life.

I’m glad to have found a corner of the internet where people are very kind and supportive. This community is one-of-a-kind. Thank you all for helping me through an emotional and turbulent time.

4. My boss wants my employee to report to him (#2 at the link)

I appreciated all the comments, and read every one. It gave me some food for thought on why I felt the need to push back on the change, as well as what would be good about the change. One commenter said something like, “Sarah’s been under you for seven years, maybe she deserves some growth!” and that really struck me.

I spoke with my supervisor about my concern of how I was being asked to remain Sarah’s manager, just without the title. I inquired about whether there were any new projects Sarah could take on under him, and I clarified what he meant when he said I would handle the “day to day” of Sarah’s work. We wrote down a chart of specific areas on which he wants Sarah to report to me and specific tasks on which she would report to him. He also clarified that he wanted to hold Sarah’s performance reviews jointly together. I felt when we delved into specifics, he was reasonable about addressing my concerns and it made it easy for me to accept the change. I’m happy for Sarah and for myself to have a new dynamic as well.

We’ll see how this all goes for Sarah but when I told her about the upcoming change, she was indeed happy to get a little bit of mobility and to be recognized for her professional growth with new responsibilities. We ended up with a win-win-win!

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