updates: accused of bullying for not attending a coworker’s baby shower, the shocking counteroffer, and more

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. I was accused of bullying for not attending a coworker’s baby shower (#2 at the link)

My boss did bring this up to me; she said she didn’t care but my absence was noted multiple times by the executive (Ella’s mom) and the manager of the other team. She asked me to tell her if I was spoken to by either of them and reminded me that this event was voluntary so I shouldn’t feel any type of way about not going.

My response was, “Please do whatever you can to ensure this is not brought up to me. If I am forced to explain why I avoid baby showers, I will escalate as needed. I really do not want to discuss this ever again.” And I’m not going to lie, my voice was shaky and it was obvious I was on the verge of tears. I really think my boss caught onto what I was saying; her response was apologetic and said she would continue to remind people it was voluntary if it is brought up. She hasn’t mentioned it or acted weird since, thankfully.

The only comments I wanted to address were the ones telling me to get a new job. I would do anything to be in a different environment. My dilemma is this current company has amazing fertility benefits, which is not something most companies offer. I also have been here for over a year so I currently qualify for FMLA. It’s a difficult spot to be in for sure. I’m sure people going through something similar can relate so I just wanted to tell you all you’re not alone.

My resume is up to date currently and I’ve been looking elsewhere though because mental health is important. I also have my eye on openings on different teams in the same company. Thank you to everyone who allowed me to vent and offered kind words.

2. My job made me a shocking counteroffer

I think I wrote to you on the same day that I got the wacky offer, when I was still feeling very blindsided. The next day I woke up feeling that it was a capital B-I Bad Idea to accept. Nevertheless, I decided to discuss with a manager on another team, who was a rare trustworthy person in the org. He agreed with my take and gave me some solid advice. I also had a call with our VP, which was absolutely useless. I’m not sure what her deal was, but it came across as if she knew about the offer and thought I’d take it. She gave no additional insight and kept repeating they’re really sorry I’m leaving. I also want to point out that never in either of these discussions were any numbers actually put on the table. So after talking to her, it felt even more like a sleazy move to keep me on the hook long enough to force me to walk back my acceptance of the outside offer. As someone with 5 years of knowledge on a team hemorrhaging tenured employees, I get why they wanted to retain me, but when done so sloppily and half-assedly, it felt insulting more than anything.

So I left! It was in December, so I had 2 weeks off for holidays before starting my new job. It was crazy how quickly I completely forgot about all my work gripes after thinking about them almost constantly for a good 8 months. It took about 2 days of freedom for it to all go away. Just that alone made it absolutely the correct choice.

But also, my new job is so much better. My manager is involved, my colleagues are positive, there are multiple clear development pathways, the director is a wonderful woman and fantastic mentor, the work is interesting, and just this Friday I had a 5-month check in with my manager that went better than I could’ve hoped. Spending 5 years on a team where the approach was “eff off and figure it out yourself, I have no time for you” has made me a very proactive and independent worker, so I can thank my old team for that. For me, the best part of it all is how I barely think about work when I’m not at work. I’m certainly not furiously rehashing conversations in my head at 2 AM à la “I shoulda said, “Look here, you MORON…'”

I still hear updates from my old team. Senior managers on the business side keep getting fired, and the VP got moved off, the CIO left, multiple product owners have quit, probably in tears of frustration due to the unchecked trash fire in IT and their own management … and the interpersonal dysfunction continues. People drag themselves to the office once a week max, and several have told me it takes a day to recover from the horrible mood that imbues the place. During my notice period, many people opened up about how unhappy they were, as I was leaving and was therefore “safe” to discuss such feelings. From what I understand, they’re now hiring a bunch of contractors to cover gaps, including my role (about 2 years after declaring we’d be contractor-free within a year, so … lol). The senior director who made the original offer has been promoted. As the only one with a full understanding of all the implemented tools and integrations, I think he’s maneuvered himself into a pretty good position. I hear he says he hopes I will return and how great I am, but there would have to be a seismic event within the org to make me interested in that. They also can’t afford me :)

3. How can I talk to people at my new office? (#2 at the link)

I’ve settled into the job since November. I got a ton of work after the new year and have been consistently busy since, which helps. I found opportunities for small talk in the break room. I’ve since learned that a couple people on my team work from my office occasionally, so I’ve sought them out to introduce myself. I went to lunch with the partner on my team once.

Looking back, I think my unhappiness was a combination of things: the ones I mentioned, my work shoes being uncomfortable (I’ve since broken them in), and the cultural change from my old job: I’m somewhat senior in my career and resented being told that I “have to” work from the office, but I’ve gotten over that and I love my office days now. But most of all (twist) I think my bad mood was due to suppressed post-election depression. While that situation hasn’t improved, humans tend to revert to our base level happiness, so I have.

Thank you and your readers for your advice! Thank you for writing this blog. It makes my days better.

4. When is it OK to approach a colleague about a possible medical issue?

I sent in a question to you about approaching a colleague about a medical issue.

I’ve avoided providing this update because it’s not happy. My former colleague and friend, Joe, passed away from his medical condition about two years ago. It was well-managed while he was in our office, but then he moved back home, went through some life changes (including moving to a new job that didn’t work out) which brought on a lot of stress and his condition flared up. He was a young man who had just turned 30.

I know it’s not the update that people want. We were very close and talked every day, even after we both moved on to other companies. It’s still hard for me to believe that it’s been over two years since we lost him.

I’ve yet to see anyone else turn yellow, but if I do, I will definitely bring it up, and am very unfortunately armed with good reason to do so.

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