my manager died, and one of my coworkers didn’t go to the funeral

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

My manager was one of the good ones, completely trusted their team, didn’t micromanage, would support and defend us, and was just generally a friendly person. Their death was sudden and devastating to a lot of people, to say the least.

Our team is fewer than 10 people, and most had worked closely with our manager for 5+ years and some had been friends for longer. Our company offered to pay for all expenses so we could all attend the funeral, since some of us are remote. One local coworker, Sam, didn’t go and didn’t even give an excuse as to why not, and it has caused a major rift.

On one hand, Sam is a pretty stoic and private person; to him, this job is a means to make money and doesn’t really socialize outside of the office and that’s fine. Everyone grieves differently, and I definitely get not wanting to do so around your coworkers and bosses. On the other hand, it feels really cold and rude to not at least pay some lip service, to show up just to say you did or explain why you couldn’t make it.

Some coworkers told me that Sam had always rubbed them the wrong way and him not coming to the funeral has greatly exacerbated this problem and they even talked about trying to kick him off the team. To me, he seems hard to read but has been friendly enough if I ever needed help or asked questions, so this feels extreme, but I also have never really worked that closely with him.

My problem is this: I genuinely don’t think Sam realizes how much not going upset the others, or that they’ve felt this way for a while, nor do I think it was his intention to offend. I know this is going to blow up soon and I feel terrible that Sam is likely going to be blindsided. At the same time the others told me this in confidence and would definitely know that I was the one who said something. I could really use some help. How do I navigate this?

Your coworkers are really in the wrong.

They’re talking about trying to kick Sam off the team?!

Hopefully this is just a grief reaction and will settle down on its own, but the right thing for you to do is to be a sane counterweight. Tell your coworkers you thought about what they said and you strongly disagree — some people are not funeral people, not everyone has the sort of close relationships with colleagues where they’d feel comfortable going to a boss’s funeral, and who knows what else Sam might have going on in his personal life right now. (As one example, when my mom was dying, I’m not sure I could have handled a work funeral, and I say that as someone who is a big believer in always going to funerals.)

He also may have been thinking along the lines of “treat others the way you’d want to be treated” and, as a private person, might see funerals as for friends and family, not coworkers.

Or sure, maybe it’s exactly what your coworkers think: he’s a cold person who doesn’t make personal connections even with wonderful colleagues and won’t bother to pay his respects to a beloved manager by attending a funeral. But even if that’s the case, it doesn’t warrant all this drama! If that’s what they believe about him, so be it. It doesn’t rise to the level of justifying a blow-up, and it would be a bananas overreaction to try to get him kicked off the team.

Tell them that if they dislike Sam for this or other reasons, that’s their prerogative, but their reaction is wildly disproportionate to what happened and you’re uncomfortable hearing the way they’re talking about him.

I know your question was whether you should warn Sam, but the above is far more important to do.