updates: humor as the boss, the apology for snapping, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Does using humor risk undermining me as a manager?

Thank you so much for responding to my question! In truth, I didn’t even consider the possibility that using too many self-deprecating jokes would alter my employee’s perception of me, I was mainly focused on the quantity of my jokes. After I submitted my question, I thought over my interactions with them, and came to the conclusion that I was being way too silly, that my nervousness was manifesting as non-stop joke after joke, which had a strong possibility to detract from maintaining a professional manager/employee relationship. Some of your commenters also noted that as my report they were a captive audience, in that even if they don’t find my humor funny they may feel compelled to laugh along, even if they feel uncomfortable.

Armed with this realization, I cut way back on the jokes I made, and with your advice in mind also limited the self-deprecating humor as well. This seemed to work well over time, as I was able to build a friendly yet professional relationship with my employee, while also occasionally poking fun at our system software or the weather.

Unfortunately it ultimately didn’t last; I had to terminate them for egregious misconduct towards another employee at a company event, which was fueled by alcohol. When I hire my next employee, I’ll be sure to use the lessons you and your readers shared to use humor moderately and with mindfulness towards how I may be perceived.

2. I want to apologize for snapping at my coworker, but my manager said not to (#2 at the link)

I really appreciated your advice. I struggle with anxiety, and the idea that I’d upset someone was eating at me. Despite the consensus in the comments that my outburst wasn’t all that bad, I still felt an apology to my coworker was warranted, so I practiced what I was going to say based on your suggestions. When the time came, I was on high alert for signs of chilliness, but nothing in her behavior indicated that she was still upset. A few days later, she announced that she was leaving for a different job, and that’s the last time I saw her.

Although anticlimactic, this event was illuminating for me. There was a lot of gossip in the weeks following my former coworker’s departure, through which I learned she quit in a huff after the manager tried to have a conversation with her about her chronic tardiness. Unbeknownst to me, she had a history of showing up late, disappearing for long stretches without explanation, and (oh, the horror!) taking other people’s food from the break room without asking. Several people expressed relief at not having to deal with her anymore, including the manager.

Speaking of managers … you were spot on to call his response into question. I think he was right that texting an apology wouldn’t have had the outcome I wanted, but it’s become clear to me through this incident and others that the promises he makes and advice he gives should be taken with a grain of salt. It’s a bummer, because I like him as a person, but the more I learn about good management, the more aware I am of where he falls short (for example, his refusal to address years of complaints about my former coworker).

On the bright side, I got a promotion and a raise, and am being encouraged to find projects that interest me. I know I don’t want to stay at this job longterm (aside from the management issues, there’s too much drama and a big nepo baby problem – a whole letter unto itself), but I’m learning a lot and building new skills, so I’m sticking around for now.

Thank you again, both for your wisdom, and for the wonderful community you’ve brought together.

3. After I had to fire someone, my boss asked if I still want to be a manager (#2 at the link)

As it turns out, the question from my boss was testing my desire to move up to a director role — a position that he knew was going to be vacant soon, but he wasn’t able to share that info with me at the time. (For various reasons, including a required relocation, it was not a role that interested me.)

As I predicted, it took many months for a replacement for my employee to be hired, but the new employee is a terrific skills match and much more professional. Our team has been running very well since the new year and the lack of drama has been a relief to everyone. That said, I did recently accept a role that is a lateral move within the organization. I will have only one direct report in this new role, but it is a growth area and I expect my team will have more members in the next 12 months or so. I am very grateful to you and to the commenters who assured me that firing someone never feels good in the short term, but will help the team in the long term, and that was certainly true in this case. I also dug out my old books and training materials on management skills and gave myself a refresher course, which has been quite helpful.