my boss sent me a bereavement gift, then demanded to know how I felt when I received it

A reader writes:

I’ve been at my current workplace a little less than two years – about six months more than our CEO, Ryan. We are a small arts charity in which I have a significant expert-type role, working part-time and freelance. Ryan comes across as an energetic and pleasant person, keen to make a success of the organization. As they settled into their role, our initially frequent contact has tailed off – especially as the work I do involves closer liaison with a middle manager and not much time in the office.

The atmosphere is very informal: “Hey, we’re all friends here.” Maybe because of that, I’ve had to be clear about my workplace boundaries (when I’m available, what my hours are, and so on) and when I was new, had to be very assertive about being included and consulted – and about direct and clear communication generally. There’s a bit of a gossipy culture and some colleagues circumvent each other when in disagreement about a project’s outcomes.

My mother died four months ago and I was overwhelmed at the time by the kindness of my colleagues. I received a lovely self-care-type gift and lots of encouragement to take all the time I needed.

I didn’t know who had organized it, so when I returned to work, I made sure to stop by the office and thank the full-time staff. They told me it was actually Ryan. I asked them to pass on my thanks. I repeated those thanks a few times in passing conversations after my return. I haven’t seen Ryan one on one since before my bereavement.

Yesterday, I received the following message in my personal – not work – inbox, which I’m giving to you verbatim, because … I just …. what? Which was pretty much my initial reaction.

Hi, Please could you send me an email confirming you received a care package from me on behalf of the team after your bereavement, detailing how you felt when you received it? Many thanks.

This strikes me as a really weird thing to require of an employee. I’ve never before been asked to confirm receipt of a gift in writing, nor to “detail” my feelings about it.

To be honest, I felt …. upset? offended? Something like that. It’s only four months since my mother died, so my feelings are definitely Feelings right now and I’m trying to get beyond my High Dudgeon, but this has left me really unsettled and wondering if this workplace is an okay place.

Have I misunderstood something? Given that communication issues have troubled me there before – plus, you know, dead mum – is it just me, finding this message weird and intrusive and somehow transactional about what I thought was a spontaneous gift?

And more to the point, how on earth do I handle it? Pretending I haven’t received it (current strategy) – and stewing about it so much I write to you – isn’t going to cut the mustard for long. I’d like to be professional and direct in the way I address it, but part of me is just very very GET IN THE SEA about the whole thing.

This is very, very weird!

It would be fine for Ryan to confirm that you received the care package, if the thanks you passed along happened not to have reached him. A little awkward so long after the fact, but not a huge deal.

But “detailing how you felt when you received it”?? What on earth was he hoping for there — “Well, Ryan, I felt awful because my mom had just died but I was bowled over by your beneficence?

It feels transactional to you now because Ryan’s message feels like he’s fishing for gratitude — like he only sent the gift for the payoff of being thanked or making you perceive him a certain way.

As for what to do, the only appropriate response to the email is, “Yes, I did receive it — thank you! When I came back to work, I asked Janine and Rocco to pass on my thanks to you, but it sounds like that might not have reached you. It was thoughtful of you and the team to send.”

You do not need to “detail how you felt when you received it.” You can decide that Ryan obviously didn’t mean to demand that and just answer as if he’d said something more normal.

Beyond that … does this fit into any troubling patterns about Ryan or the office culture more broadly? If it’s just a weird one-off, you don’t necessarily need to read a ton into it; people have awkward moments. On the other hand, maybe there have been a bunch of other weird things too, and this helps crystallize the pattern for you. (For example, maybe this is part of a pattern of demanding people perform particular emotions when they shouldn’t have to, or kowtow to Ryan’s ego.) If that’s the case, then the next step would be about less about reacting to this one odd email and more about deciding how you feel about the broader pattern.

But yes, it’s weird.

Also, thank you for teaching me “get in the sea,” which the internet tells me is a British expression used to express contempt or tell someone to go away.

I’m sorry about your mom.

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