update: applying for a job where my abusive ex’s new partner works

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was considering applying for a job where their abusive ex’s new partner worked (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

I wrote about a job I was being considered for with an employer my ex’s partner works for. I am really grateful for your response and for the community stating in no uncertain terms to not take the job.

At some level, I knew the employer the partner is with was just out of the picture, but it’s hard to accept because this subfield is a bit niche and that employer is one of the largest in the area. I wrote in because I think I knew the answer but needed to hear it. Friends of mine gave advice more along the lines of, “Well, it could be hard, think about it carefully.” Then they saw the AAM advice and 1) agreed, and 2) were amused by how blunt AAM was in comparison. I vowed not to take the position.

Then, there was grief. As I shared in the comments, I wanted to do the interview to get the practice and get a sense of this employer’s work. This may have been a mistake. I think I did really well at the interview and had great conversations with the team. The team there had a fairly clear sense of purpose and were valued by the institution. Which made me realize why I’d applied in the first place: my current organization does not really value my niche field (or me), has ever changing senses of purpose, and heck, I am not even sure what the name of the department I work for is. (I have heard at least three different names. My supervisor doesn’t know either.)

The result of all this – my dysfunctional employer plus not taking a job at the large org that employs my ex’s partner – is that I am not sure I have a future in my field.

I have started looking for positions in my field outside my city, but doing so breaks my heart – I put down roots here! I love it here! My partner loves it here! So then I look for jobs in the area but outside my field and that breaks my heart – I’ve been part of professional organizations and have written about the field and some of the things I’ve done in the field have earned accolades. Going into the interview, I knew I would be sad about the loss that comes when one’s abuser limits one’s life chances. I did not anticipate the compounded loss of my career.

I am working on this with my therapist. I am thinking now, if I do leave the field that I will host a funeral for my previous career – something a little silly and a little meaningful to give myself closure. In the meantime, I am trying that whole work-life balance thing and am fostering hobbies and relationships that are distant from the work I do.

I wish I had a joyful professional update, like a miracle job opened up in one of the tiny employers around here or I was offered a job outside my field and it turns out my skillset lent itself well to it and I got a 20% raise or whatever. But I don’t! I am still at my original organization and it still sucks and is beyond my ability to change. I am thinking of quitting with no safety net. To be determined.

But the update I do have is an enthusiastic thank-you to you and the community. I took a long time to compose a message to the search committee and it sat in my drafts folder. To gather the courage to send it, I reread your advice and commenters’ responses. You all reminded me why I needed to withdraw from the job search. Without AAM, I might have bent and taken a job that put my and my family’s safety in jeopardy. Or not! Who knows – but I am not a person who lives dangerously and I very much needed the level heads that had my back in this community to make the difficult but right decision. So, thank you. Wishing you all personal and professional fulfillment.

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