receiving praise at work makes my skin crawl

A reader writes:

I am so uncomfortable getting praised or receiving good feedback that it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

For context, I started my job less than half a year ago, and the issue (which I have had all my life) became more prominent about two months ago. I was reviewing an important project for a coworker, noticed a lot of issues, fixed said issues, and sent it to the team lead. I didn’t think anything of it — my task was to make sure the project did not have issues, I spotted issues, and I fixed them. I then got an email from the team lead thanking me profusely for spotting the issues and correcting them, even though they were not all in the portion I was supposed to review, and for doing such a thorough job. Since then, the same team lead has assigned me to important reviews and tasks over said coworker (who has worked there much longer) and repeatedly thanks me for always being helpful, precise, and accurate.

My boss also thanks me for “busting my butt” on other projects and promoted me to a position that more accurately reflected the work I was doing without me saying anything — I just came in one day and he told me I was being promoted (no new responsibilities, just a higher title and salary).

On one hand, I’m grateful that my work is recognized and appreciated, feel incredibly lucky to have such an amazing boss, and understand that they are just trying to make sure that I feel appreciated and stay with the company. On the other, I feel like I am just doing my job, so why are they thanking me so much? I’m not doing anything special with any of these projects, just completing them to the best of my ability … which is my job.

I don’t know if I feel this way because I am neurodivergent (my brain works like a computer, which is part of what makes me good at my job) or if this is a normal way to feel.

I would appreciate any advice on how to accept praise and positive feedback without wanting to run for the hills, because I absolutely love my job and have no plans of leaving anytime soon. (I am in therapy and on medication and try to reframe the praise as just their way of showing appreciation; I also know if I never received any praise it would lower my morale and recognize the irony.)

It might not seem like a big deal to you but it could still be a big deal to them!

It sounds like you’re doing a better job than the person who they were sending some of the work to previously. That makes their lives and their jobs easier, so they appreciate it, and they’re telling you they appreciate it.

It sounds like you’re taking praise as being either insincere or naive — like if they were being honest or paying enough attention, they’d know that you’re just doing your job and it’s not anything special.

But there are lots of ways for people to approach doing their jobs, and some of those ways make other people’s lives easier and some don’t. You sound like you’re in the former category, which means you’re someone they appreciate working with. They’re letting you know that because that’s a natural response when you appreciate someone, and because they want to make sure you know they value you.

I suspect neurodivergence could indeed be playing a role here: you’re seeing a strictly logical equation of “work is assigned, I do those assignments for pay, and the transaction is completed.” They’re seeing it a very different way — like “I give Jane work and I can always trust that it will be done accurately and on time, without me having to follow up on it, which is such a relief because it sure isn’t like that with everyone,” or “When I give Jane work, she’s a pleasure to deal with, which makes her a bright spot in my day when I’m otherwise dealing with bureacuracy and upset customers,” or “I love that when I give Jane work, she doesn’t just do the assignment by rote but looks at the bigger picture and makes suggestions I didn’t even think of to improve it,” and on and on.

In many ways, communicating those sentiments to you is part of what a “completed transaction” looks like to them — because it’s significant on their end, even if it feels like “just doing my job” to you.

It might get more intuitive if you think about people you’ve worked with before who never went beyond the basics or just weren’t very pleasant to deal with. Don’t you appreciate people who aren’t that? Your coworkers clearly do, and so they’re telling you.

It’s also interesting that you recognize that you wouldn’t like it if you never received praise! Your colleagues know, as you do, that that demoralizes good people over time, and so they’re doing their part to prevent that from happening.

Last: any chance you grew up in a household where you weren’t praised very often? That can wire you to feel like praise is something that’s only warranted for extreme actions, which can make praise for non-extreme actions feel insincere, patronizing, silly, or even manipulative — even though it’s not. If that’s the case, seeing that connection clearly can help you start to rewire how you experience praise as an adult (and if you end up managing people at some point, it would be especially important actively work on recalibrating that).

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