update: my coworkers have way more money than me … and they constantly expect me to shell out cash for meals and gifts

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Remember the letter-writer whose coworkers had way more money than her but constantly expected her to shell out cash for meals and gifts? Here’s the update.

Thanks for posting my letter and for your advice a while back. I have a somewhat unsatisfying update.

The gift-giving has slowed down considerably, presumably because the federal workplace isn’t exactly festive at the moment. However, the original issue recently showed up in a different form. Our office admin offered to put together (what I understood to be) a no-host happy hour as a send-off event for a colleague who recently got DOGE’d. (Note: I understood it to be a no-host event because that is the norm for our field. In fact, when I first arrived they held a welcome happy hour for me, and everybody, including me, paid their own bill.) I truthfully mentioned that I had a schedule conflict that would have caused me to only be able to stay a few minutes and she told me how important it was that I show up for the laid-off coworker and at least come say goodbye. I saw her point and showed my face.

I was the second person to arrive at the venue. The first person to arrive (the same colleague from my last letter who is always declaring “let’s just split it!” and “Jane doesn’t have to pay, we’ll all cover her”) had already ordered a spread of appetizers and a bottle of her own favorite spirit. I mentioned that I wouldn’t be ordering anything because I had to rush out right away. Once the rest of the group had arrived and the server took orders, I again announced, “Nothing for me, since I have to leave early.”

Over the weekend, the same lady copied me to an email explaining that the bill had come to nearly $400 and assigning us all a portion that we’d need to send her. Apparently, she put the whole thing on her credit card and is looking to be reimbursed. I didn’t respond since I obviously racked up $0 of this outrageous bill. Seriously, how many $6 cocktails and $7 flatbreads could six humans possibly have ordered in 120 minutes?? Anyway, my husband told me that in times like these, it’s more important than ever to be viewed as a team player lest I be added to the “chopping block,” which is our name for the Elon-requested list of of individuals whose jobs can safely be cut. So, on Monday I reached out to her and reminded her that I didn’t order/consume anything but could still chip in a bit for team spirit. She responded with a fixed amount that she expected each attendee to pay — about twice the amount I had in mind — and followed up saying, “I know this feels unfair since you didn’t eat, but since we hosted Bob, you can think of it as your portion of the cost of his going-away party.”

First of all, we as a team, absolutely did not agree to “host” a going-away party for Bob. And at any rate, that’s not how any of this works. I do not know why this one person gets to just invent this nonsense reimbursement system in which she pays what she wants and assigns the rest of us to cover the rest regardless of our actual consumption. She eventually followed up with a second email to me only saying, “Of course, if you prefer not to contribute, I understand,” to which I projected some snark that may or may not have been intended. I Venmo’d her the amount I was comfortable with and vowed to never spend any time with these folks outside the office ever, ever again. This may not be an issue much longer as I’m informed that my entire office is slated to get DOGE’d in the next couple of weeks. Some folks are being reassigned and some are being axed entirely.

My takeaway from the happy hour experience is that my team’s earlier behavior had nothing to do with rich people being out of touch with most people’s spending-related norms and simply needing me to bring it to their attention. Since: (1) my colleague was fully aware that I didn’t eat or drink, but still spelled out that I need to pay 1/5 of the bill, and (2) remarked that it may “seem unfair” for me to subsidize everyone else’s excesses and encouraged me to view it a different way as though I am the one with a perception problem, it seems to me that it was always a matter of unreasonable people feeling entitled to my money.