updates: my BFF has been my employee’s therapist for years, company wants us to pay for a work trip, and more

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. I just found out my BFF has been my employee’s therapist for years

The advice helped. When I wrote to you, I was in a really sad place where I had no idea what to do and felt trapped and alone. The situation was so messy and sad, but reading your feedback and the comments helped me realize the scope of the situation, and all the parties roles.

I told Bob what happened and that Lori had violated his privacy as a patient. I told him if he wanted to report Lori I would support him. He decided not to. At that point it had been over a year since he had been her patient, so I left that up to him. Some of the comments asked why I was upset with Bob. At this point I want to move on, but just to explain: Bob used what I said to intentionally point a negative light on me, for what reason I’ll never know. He did apologize and said he doesn’t remember the conversation with Lori, but the damage was done. I have distanced myself from him as much as I can, but we still have a professional relationship.

I acknowledge my role in this. I said a negative comment about my friend, that was wrong and I have certainly learned from my mistake. I have not spoken to Lori since it happened. Although Bob and I played a role in this situation, in my opinion the crux of the issue is her lack of respect for boundaries, both with patients and friends. I know there might be questions about how I handled this, and I get that! This situation is so so complicated, but I have tried my best to do the next right thing, and I really appreciate the feedback I got, it truly did help me get to a better place.

2. My boss said I couldn’t leave for lunch on a day we had an office party (#4 at the link)

I’ve now been at the company for six months and have a lot more context for general culture here, mainly that my boss tries to be flexible, but also doesn’t always verbalize what she thinks of as “small” issues. For example, I had a mandated week-long training in another city. The company paid for my hotel, training program, and a per diem allowance. The week took place over Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which is a company holiday. However, I worked on that day because training took place. When I got back, our department HR rep/administrative assistant had a whole conversation with my boss, advocating for me to have an “off-the-books” day off to compensate. She did agree, but was a little bit taken aback because “why would it matter.” However, she’s also very understanding about all employees sometimes needing to come in late in the morning (and just flexing the time later in the day or week) or whatnot.

I’ve also started using our informal check-ins to be more direct with her about expectations. For example, if she wants me to continue including her in email chains that aren’t relevant (I swear, people who need anything, no matter how small, cc her in everything) or if there’s information I can store a certain way so when she needs it for higher level stuff she can use it more easily. She was very taken aback by these questions, but seemed to really appreciate them as well!

All this to say that while we haven’t had another “office party” in the time I’ve been here, I feel like I’ve laid some effective groundwork so when I need to have that conversation with her, she’ll be more receptive to my approach and I’ll feel more confident in suggesting solutions. Being in this workplace and hearing about my spouse’s workplace (which has lovely people but the communication is terrible) has really made me appreciative of clear, direct communication. So great professional growth at the very least!

3. Company wants us to pay for a work trip (#3 at the link)

Thank you so much for your advice! Reading your response and the comments from the readers helped me realize how crazy and severely toxic that work environment was.

I stood my ground and did not go to the work trip along with other admins. I was heavily grilled as to why I didn’t attend and explained it was due to finances. I was told the company was generously paying for lunches and offering a partial work day (the remainder would be unpaid or had to use PTO) to head over to the destination (the executives attending refused WFH for admins, even though all of them were working from home or headed out the day prior) and that I was paid enough to budget correctly to attend work events. I was of course paid below industry standard, for what it’s worth.

Alison, this company was so cheap when the bathrooms in the building were out of order for all employees, they took us to a restaurant for a buffet style meal and told us how grateful we should be that they paid for a lunch at a place with working restrooms. The lunch was an hour and a half and the company was adamant about the whole time being unpaid for admins, so it was a longer workday for all of us who weren’t exempt to make up our hours for a mandatory lunch while driving down the street to a Starbucks to use the restroom for the rest of the workday.

Immediately afterwards, every minor issue was pointed out and I suddenly was written up for every issue that was never a problem the prior eight months I worked at the company (like taking a 32 minute unpaid lunch instead of clocking in at exactly 30 minutes). I was of course shortly terminated and a current employee told me they do that to everyone they decide to let go because they fight every single unemployment claim.

I’m so happy to say I completely got out of that industry and am working at a new workplace that is so much healthier! I work less hours with less stress and am being paid so much more. My previous workplace is still hemorrhaging employees, is nowhere near close to selling it to a buyer, and has effectively destroyed their corporate reputation within the industry.

4. Should I put Phi Beta Kappa on my resume? (#5 at the link)

Thank you again for your advice, 10 years after answering my question. I did include Phi Beta Kappa on my resumes, in the Professional Memberships section. I don’t know if it ever helped or hindered my job search, but I am now in a position that highly values professional credentials. All workers have them listed in bylines, email signatures and on name badges. I have my master’s degree listed there (but not Phi Beta Kappa!).

My question was published at a time when the commentariat was a little spicy, but I was able to take away that a lot of people didn’t know what Phi Beta Kappa was. It is an honor society for top achieving students in the liberal arts and sciences. Traditionally, many recipients have served in the federal administration, on the Supreme Court, or won a Nobel prize. It was a great honor for me as a first-generation college student. Growing up, I had no exposure to corporate or white collar professionals and as such I didn’t know if Phi Beta Kappa was a ticket into those kinds of jobs. Your answer really clarified my understanding. Thank you.

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