update: my boss never praises my work

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss never praised their work? Here’s the update.

My undying thanks to you and all the commentariat for your compassionate take and excellent advice: I needed to get out of that job.

It was advice that didn’t land well at the time, because my morale was so shot that I didn’t even see the point in job-hunting. How could I hope to get a better job when I’d clearly never gotten good at this one, which was for an organization I adored, using the skill set I was educated in?

Still, where self-esteem fails, spite finds a way. Every time my boss did something that made me want to scream at her, I took a deep breath, smiled, and after work, sent out a job application somewhere. I had no actual hopes of getting hired anywhere (see: self-esteem=0), but it was like hitting a punching bag in terms of dealing with frustration. But then, to my astonishment, I got an offer! With a raise!

Here’s where I didn’t take AAM advice: I went to my boss and asked her if the org would match the offer I’d received. I know, I know … Keep in mind, I was terrified of change, concerned that I’d be as lackluster in this new role as my boss clearly thought I was in this one, and … well, the petty part of me wanted to see if I could force one measly shred of validation out of her.

“What are you making now?” she asked, in response to my query.

I told her. (Keep in mind: I was 50% of her direct reports, and my pay had not changed since the last time I’d asked for a raise. We’d had cost-of-living adjustments traditionally but Covid shot those out of the water.)

“Oh, that can’t be right,” said she. “I’ll check with Finance. You’re making more than you think you are.”

So I had an evening to mull over that peculiar statement. Was there a paperwork error someplace? Was she trying to get into a gross vs. net debate? Did she just think I was spectacularly stupid?

In the morning, she reaffirmed. “I’ve talked to Finance, and I’m right. You’re making more than you think you are.” (Reader, I was making $32K.) “However, the organization can match the new offer.”

But … I was done.

I politely informed her that I’d decided the new opportunity was the way to go, gave my two weeks’ notice, smilingly attended a farewell party in boss’s backyard with all of boss’s work friends and none of mine, and two weeks and one day later I was walking into my new job.

New job is AWESOME.

It was a move from nonprofit development into higher ed, supporting several departments whose subject areas are right up my alley. I get stellar reviews from the faculty I support and from my supervisor. I feel good at my job, every day. There was another raise after a year. And best of all — a few months ago, a couple of “my” professors invited me out to dinner with them, and once they had me trapped in a booth at Texas Roadhouse, they announced, “You’re smart. We like you. We’re confused as to why you’re just doing an admin job and not getting a Ph.D. We will write you recommendations and want to be on your committee.” So, it’s official as of yesterday — I’m doing a doctoral program, free with my employment benefits! When I told my (wonderful) supervisor that it was something I was thinking about tackling, her immediate, no-hesitation response was, “Amazing! Yes, I 100% support you in this. :-)”

So, whatever the problem was — a bad manager, a bad employee, just a bad job fit — the solution was, as so often: listen to the excellent advice at AAM.

Yours most sincerely,

Me
Someday soon, Dr. Me