How to stay optimistic but avoid toxic positivity

Things are tough right now, with complexity and uncertainty in the world driving stress and worry. You’re probably trying to stay positive and muscle through. But there’s an important difference between keeping appropriately optimistic and acting with toxic positivity.

If you’re faced with toxic positivity in yourself or others, it’s probably based on good intentions that have run amok. But it can actually create a negative spiral that can make things worse.

Staying positive during trying times

According to a survey from MyPerfectResume, people are reporting record levels of exhaustion, anxiety, and stress with 88% who said they were burned out. In addition, 32% of respondents reported they felt anxiety, including 30% who had headaches and 25% who had muscle pain related to their burnout, according to the data. 

Attempting to stay optimistic is a reasonable response, but toxic positivity is what happens when that goes too far. It involves ignoring reality, suppressing negative emotions, and trying to be overly positive in every situation, regardless of reality. Those with toxic positivity may also try to impose their attitudes on others—to the annoyance of those around them.

Toxic positivity has multiple negative effects. First, when people demonstrate toxic positivity, it can result in denying reality, and undermining their ability to respond constructively to negative situations. Second, an unwillingness to express real emotions can result in feeling isolated from others and can cause mental health challenges for the person expressing toxic positivity. 

Third, when someone is acting with toxic positivity and denying other’s emotions, it creates barriers to forming a trusting relationship, because others may feel devalued. Fourth, when someone is perceived as inauthentic, others may question their honesty or integrity—again getting in the way of building relationships.  

So, how can you be positive without embracing toxic behavior? There are some strategies that work.

Be aware and be realistic

You can avoid toxic positivity by staying aware of what’s going on—including the bad news or challenges that emerge. Repressing or avoiding difficulties or uncomfortable facts is a classic characteristic of toxic positivity. Avoid burying your head in the sand. Instead, seek information, stay in the know, and be aware. You don’t have to overdo negative thinking or marinate in bad news, but you will want to keep your eyes open to real situations and circumstances.

It’s also important to be realistic. You don’t need to overcorrect toxic positivity by catastrophizing or anticipating all the worst outcomes, but it’s constructive to be clear about what’s going on and face up to the need for solutions. Put energy into responding to problems instead of investing energy in sealing them out.

As you’re working through disappointment or discouragement with yourself or others, also avoid using insincere positive statements or gimmicks. A study published in Psychological Science found that most people believe positive statements can help their mood and their self-esteem. But in the experiment, people who struggled with low self-esteem and who also repeated positive self-statements like, “I’m a loveable person,” felt worse than they did before using the self-statement.

The bottom line: Sometimes inauthentic or superficial solutions like hollow self-talk are worse than an honest assessment of what’s difficult and an intention to deal with it. Encourage and empower yourself and others, but stop short of using superficial feel-good statements that get in the way of authenticity or action.

Be empathetic

At the same time you’re aware of situations and realities, you’ll also need to stay in tune with people and be empathic toward them. Consider what they’re going through, ask questions, and listen to their points of view.

By validating what people are going through and by being present with them in tough times, you can both support them and empower them to work through difficulties. This is helpful to them and it also builds the relationship, which is good for both of you.

Also avoid imposing your attitudes on others. If you’re naturally an optimistic person, that’s fine, but avoid attempting to change others. You’ll want to support them, but if you try to convince someone that everything is okay despite all they’re going through, you’ll just irritate them and drive a wedge in the relationship.

It’s okay to be optimistic

While you’re avoiding a toxic approach to positivity, you can be optimistic. Look to the future and be hopeful about it—and take action to find solutions for the issues that are important to you.

Optimism can lead to positive outcomes. In a study of over 70,000 people researchers from Boston University surveyed respondents about their optimism and compared it to their health data, over a 10 to 30 year period. They found that those who were more optimistic boosted their longevity by 11% to 15% and increased their chances of living to age 85 by 50%.

These effects on longevity were in spite of participants’ age, education, diseases, or depression—and regardless of habits related to alcohol use, exercise, or diet. Researchers believe that optimism is so powerful because it may help people bounce back from stress and regulate emotions. 

The difference between toxic positivity and healthy optimism is a matter of degree. If you deny reality, you may be tipping into toxic territory. But if you can be empathetic and avoid imposing your positivity on others, you reach a reasonable balance and connect more deeply with others.