The Out-of-Touch Adults' Guide to Kid Culture: Incels and the 80/20 Rule

The real 80/20 rule, also known as the Pareto Principle, is a saying that asserts 80% of outcomes come from 20% of all causes. You can use it to organize your to-do list, among other things. But to many young men, 80/20 means something very different.

Young men are not alright. Masculinity is growing more toxic by the day. Online incel communities are growing, and the most receptive audience to poisonous ideas about gender seems to be children. This week's column isn't going to be fun: I'm explaining one of the guiding principles of the incel movement, and discussing a TikToker devoted to changing her red pill son's mind. And I can't talk about toxic masculinity without mentioning Elon Musk!

Spray some deodorizer and let's jump into the dank, upsetting world of incel beliefs.

What is the 80/20 rule?

The Netflix series Adolescence, is currently the buzziest show on streaming, a harrowing exploration of the inner world of an angry young boy accused of murdering one of his classmates, a girl who spurned him. One of the teenage characters mentions the “80/20 rule” as a way of explaining the incel/red pill culture that's central to the murder plot. Put simply, the 80/20 rule is an axiom that states 80% of women are attracted to only 20% of men, and understanding the pervasiveness of this belief is essential to understanding online misogyny.

Different communities of toxic dudes believe different weird things—many "looksmaxxers" think breaking your own facial bones can make you more attractive; red pill dudes believe men have to psychologically manipulate women into liking them—but the 80/20 rule is nearly universally accepted.

The idea seems to have originated in a post on Medium that was written 10 years ago. Taken on its own terms, the article is a fairly interesting, though methodologically flawed, look at the distribution of “likes” on dating site Tinder. Incel types ignored the problems with the research, ignored the context (it’s only about Tinder likes), and accepted the 80/20 Rule as a hard-to-swallow truth that explains how women relate to men. Even though the Medium post concludes that most men who want to meet women would be “better off just going to a bar or joining some coed recreational sports team” than using Tinder, incels decided the 80/20 rule meant something like "all women are shallow," and/or "it's not my fault that no woman wants to spend time with me."

For 10 years, incels and the incel-adjacent have expanded on the theory and repeated it to each other so many times that it’s rarely questioned in those spaces. If anyone you're talking to mentions the 80/20 rule in an affirmative context, you know you’re talking to someone who has a specific set of (wrong) beliefs, and who doesn’t have a large enough social circle to compare what they read on the internet to the way people act in real life. But is there anything you can do about it? Maybe.

Viral video of the week: De-pilling a red pill son

The creator of in this week's viral video, IAmRchlPrkr, is a mother trying to deprogram her teenage son. He has accepted some beliefs of the "red pill" community, a branch of incels, and she is not into it.

She first saw the problem when her child told her "all women are gold-diggers." There's a lot going on with that phrase. Despite bristling and yelling "not all men!" when anyone generalizes their own gender, the toxic male community is dominated by the idea that women are all the same: a Borg-like collective looking for the most attractive 20% of men, or the men with the most gold to dig.

This isn't new. In her 1998 book Intercourse, Andrea Dworkin could have been describing the incels of 2025 when she wrote, "the first tenet of male supremacist ideology is that men have a self and that women must, by definition, lack it." The difference is how sexist ideas that were once relegated to obscure corners of society have infiltrated the mainstream to the extent that literal children are repeating them to their mothers. (As with most of societal ills, we can thank the internet for that.)

Maybe this TikToker mom has the right approach to returning some sanity: When her son tells her, "all women are gold-diggers," she responds with "Which women?" and "name one woman who is a gold-digger." Of course he can't. Because the incel philosophy falls apart in the face of actual relationships with real humans.

What is "serious hat Soyjack?"

A fitting response to me quoting Andrew Dworkin in an earnest post about online masculinity is serious hat Soyjak:

Credit: SoyGemVault - Deviant Art

Created by DevianArt user SoyGemArt, Serious Hat is a Wojak posted to comment on people who are, well, too serious online.

(If you're asking "what's a wojak?" I have previously covered the subject.)

Elon musk gamer drama continues

Speaking of toxic men: Elon Musk! If you’re an adult, you probably know Musk best as the CEO of an electric car company or as a dedicated public servant with creative ideas about how forks work. But kids know a different Elon Musk: Gamer Elon. Gamer Elon is seen as the ultimate sweat, and Gamer Elon recently mixed it up on X with the official account of video game Assassin’s Creed and got roasted like a Costco chicken.

The online dust-up started when ex-game developer @grummz made a post about streamer Hasan Piker, who he labeled a terrorist (because that’s what you do on X when you disagree with someone about public policy):

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This led Musk, who is a grown adult, to post:

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And then:

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At this point, the official account of the video game at the center of the fight Assassin’s Creed: Shadows brought gasoline to the flame war.

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The Assassin’s Creed post was viewed over 52 million times. It references the all-but-confirmed rumor that Elon Musk, a grown adult with a major position of power within the United States government, pays someone so gamers will think he’s really good at Path of Exile 2, a video game where you pretend to be an elf.

What does "come eat lobster with a monster" mean?

I don't want to leave you with all these toxic men, so let's end with a funny meme.

Back in 2020, then-Twitter user @blanketm9 changed the world forever when they tweeted:

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Their post lay dormant until 2023, when a user (whose original post and name has been lost to history) added the context of a text conversation, complete with a "straight man."

Credit: iFunny

Things were quiet for a couple years, then, for reasons unknown, the meme started truly taking off this month. I guess the time is right for posts like these:

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